Alan Partridge Quotes

• "That's hot floppy bread."
• "We have a caller on the line who fears he may be a gay, he's married so we'll only refer to him by his christian name. This is Domingo from little Oakley."
• "You've hit the hazards!"
• "I'm Batman!"
• "Ya daft racist."
• "Ha ha ha ha ha. You've got to laugh when you fall off a sofa! Ruddy Sofa!"
• "Ah Ha!"

• "oooh you're nicer than my wife!"

• "That was sweating lunatic Iggy Pop"

• "The Queen is dead, long live the King Singers"

• "Look at that idiot, he's got a baby h"

• "Lynn! You couldn't present a... cat!"

• AP - "Mary Poppins what's that?" Michael - "Oh Aye, That's Desert Storm"

• "God I've missed you"

• "He's staying with me"

• "Oooohhh Leeds"

• "Or as the Americans say FIIIIIIVVVVVEEEE"

• "Oh cook a cat!"

• "You're all right, you!" (Bites into very hot apple pie) "AAAARRRGHHH!"

• "Well there's no need for that!"

• "Mrs Moneypenny's an eejit! she's an eejit!"

• "I'm leaving you, you cow!"

• "Butter my arse!"

• "I know lying is wrong, but if the elephant man came in now in a blouse with some make up on, and said "how do I look?" Would you say, bearing in mind he's depressed and has respiratory problems, would you say "go and take that blusher off you mis-shapened elephant tranny"? No. You'd say "You look nice... John""

• "No not my face i'm doing a photo shoot tomorrow for Vision Express"

• "Can I just read you something from Top Gear magazine?"

• "Not my words Carol, the words of Top Gear magazine...hello?"

• "Well, you're in the right ballpark. No, it actually says Cock, Piss, Partridge."

• "There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent."

• "Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them."

• "I'd love to get my hands on the bastard. Or bitch, might be a lady."

• "I'm sorry, that was just a noise."

• "Do you want some Sugarpuffs?"

• "Its a joke Knife....It's funnier that rain"

• "I'm gonna hump ya. Like Deputy Dawg... would hump ya."

• "Good. Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these."

• "Right, dry skin cream. I'm having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning my pillow looked like a flapjack."

• "I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. But a happy one."

• "Rolled on the thighs of a virgin."

• "Lynn's not my wife. She's my PA. Hard-worker, but there's no affection."

• "In fact, you know, the best thing I ever did was get thrown out by my wife! She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot"

• "BANG! I'm James Bond"

• "Do you know what this bathroom says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus."

• "Yes, it's an extender! Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake."

• Alan has a confrontation with a former schoolmate regarding being caned as a

teenager for having a chalk penis drawn on his back. "That was a long time ago Alan!" "That's what Nazi war criminals say!"

• "I do like that toilet. It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very, sort of, high-tech, space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that. In the twenty-first century. Can I, have a go?"

• "We managed to rectify it, though, because it now says, by adapting it, "Cook" where it once said "Cock", and it says "Pass" now where it once said "Piss", so it's slightly less rude."

• "All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that. Let's have a bit of red, let's have a bit of white. Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don't know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of, mineral water."

• "Can I just shock you? I like wine. Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house."

• "And, can I have the same, please? But with different shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an action man bow-tie."

• "Alright, I'll rephrase the question. Can I... no, actually, I'll just repeat the question: have I got a second series?"

• "Yeah, give me another series you shit."

• "Tony, I've, look I've just bought a house. It's got a Buck Rogers toilet. One yank, all gone!"

• "Well Sonja, that was classic intercourse. So... thanks!"

• "Jurassic Park!"

• "Kiss my face."

• "I like your berets."

• "Back of the net!"

• "Smell my cheese, you mother!"

• "Lynn I'm not coming to your baptist church! They always get people when they're down."

• In response to Jed Maxwell wanting Alan to meet his brother - ‘No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist!’

• While hosting his radio slot "Alan's Deep Bath" : "We're down to the final lather...just relax...there's a foamy bit on your shoulder - let's make it even more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid. Don't you feel good....careful not to fall asleep and slip under, there's some terrible statistics about that."

• In response to the offer of a drink at a swinging couple's house, Lynn says ‘No thanks, I don't want to be part of your sex festival.’ Alan questions, ‘Festival?’

• After he eats an apple pie heated in a microwave, Alan exclaims ‘How long did you put that in for Lynn? It's hotter than the sun!’

• When having a vision of himself lapdancing wearing an anorak and a thong and sparkling platformed boots in rhythm to clubland music in front of Tony Hayers for the first time "Do you want me to lapdance for you?" ,Hayers offers him £20, "uh-uh I want a second series"

• When having another of his numerous lapdancing visions after nearly being arrested for traffic cone theft "Do you want me to lapdance for you?, "my peep-hole pringle is modelled on an s.a.s balaclava, sweet feet ooooh", then he appears with two cones over his nipples "Do you like my cones? they are little ones i got them from a cycling test centre". "My license is clean yours is dirrty, you have six points I've got two.....points"

• After it is explained to Alan why jockeys are short in stature: ‘I see! That's why you never see people like Brian Blessed riding horses, it makes sense.’

• Alan proposing a possible programming idea: ‘Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed. It must not, I repeat not, turn into an all-night rave.’

• The superbly scripted rhetorical argument: ‘I just want to be able to say “I'm Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be, I don't know, Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn't know you'd moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I'd love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kiev's?”, “I love them! But my wife's vegetarian”, “Doesn't matter. She can have fish”, “No she won't eat that either”, “Oh forget it!. You people”. Go on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me.’

• Alan addressing the widow of a recently deceased 40 year old: ‘All those people who go around saying “Life begins at forty”. They're notable by their absence. The nerve.’

• When asked what upset him at the country fair, Alan replies: ‘Just people. I just hate the general public’

• Commenting on the fact that one cannot have naked flames on a petrol station's forecourt: 'It's political correctness gone mad.'

• Alan prepares for a confrontation: ‘The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!’

• Alan noting the behaviour of a visitor to a petrol station: ‘Is he gonna get any petrol? No he's using the forecourt to turn around... he thinks he's Rod Stewart!’

• Alan, when imagining himself gyrating seductively in front of the BBC Director General, wearing only his Y-fronts, socks and a golfing sweater with ‘nipple holes’ cut into it... ‘Would you like me to lap dance for you?’

• Talking to two Irish television producers about the Irish Potato Famine: ‘At the end of the day, they will pay the price for being a fussy eater. If they could afford to emigrate, they could afford to eat at a modest restaurant.’

• Discussing his love of the band U2 :- "Sunday Bloody Sunday. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you just think 'Sunday, bloody Sunday!'.

• While playing the Crisis Zone arcade game against a child: ‘Shitty zombies!’

• While explaining the opening scene of The Spy Who Loved Me,‘"He's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits, with lemon piping’

• When trying to conjure up images of 'real Irish people' he includes "Bucktoothed simpletons with eyebrows on their cheeks... horses running through council estates... men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings... badly tarmacced drives in THIS country."

• ‘My girlfriend is 14 years younger than me. Back of the net!’

• Contemplating his relationship with his girlfriend ‘Well Sonja, that was classic intercourse.’

• After inventing a ladyboys chaser consisting of a pint, a baileys irish cream and a gin and tonic. 'Ooh Ladyboys'

• 'Ruddy hell it's Soft Cell'

• "Pray silence please, for The Electric Light Orchestra."

• "Who's this beautiful man with a lovely voice, Its Annie Lennox."

• "Kommen sie bitte und listen to Kraftwerk!"

• Arriving at a conference centre, 'The security in this place is terrible - I booked the room under the name of the Real IRA. I'd better go and tell them it's really me.' (Opens door and policemen are visible in the background. Closes the door quickly) 'We have to leave...Crossed wires...'

• When talking to an East Anglian farmer on his radio show, ‘You feed beefburgers to swans!’

• 'If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plow the family into the soil, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother.'

• After having one of his James Bond videotapes recorded over by Michael's friend; Tex:‘I really wanted to see America's Strongest Man...’ -- Alan:‘Well now you've got Norfolk's Maddest Man!’

• After having his entire collection of James Bond videos ruined when Lynn spills Sunny Delight over them, Alan takes a hammer and all his boxes of cereal outside the caravan. 'What you doing Mr Partridge?' 'I'm destroying my cereals.'

• On making a documentary for canal boats: ‘This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let's take a look...not a trace! Peace of mind I'm sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.’

• "You really have got lots of issues!" "Yeah, of 'What Car Magazine'!"

• ‘In my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didn't make Adam and Steve.’

• To Sonja: ‘I love you, in a way.’

• Sonja: "I love you Alan!"; Alan: "Thanks a lot!"

• To the builders: 'I was repellant to Women... for two years'

• To the BBC Head of Programming: ‘Smell my cheese, you mother!’ and 'Give me another series you shit'

• After being asked had vandals got to his car again: ‘'Fraid so, third time. Scum. Sub-human scum.’

• To Lynn when she tells him they have to go to her mother's grave before watching all the James Bond films back to back: ‘The underground base of an evil genius ... then Doctor No.’

• When the tax inspectors are at the door "Hello we're from the Inland Revenue"(tax inspectors) "No you're not"(Alan) "Yes we are"(tax inspectors) "Oh right come in"(Alan)

• Trying to grab his new friend Dan's attention in a car park: ‘Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Oh, he's not seeing me, I'll get him later. ... Dan!’

• ‘Oh, butter my arse!’

• ‘Abso-bloody-exactly!’

• ‘Quick tip for yourself: if you're ever doing an after-dinner speech, you say "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, I just popped to the toilet. And while I was there, I saw some graffiti and it said "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"". Straight away you've got them by the jaffas.'

• 'That's gash'

• On being asked by Ben who Wings were: 'They’re only the band the Beatles could have been.'

• 'Lynne, some of these people have come from Stoke.'

• 'Stop getting Bond wrong!'

• 'Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.'

• Upon answering the phone 'Sir Dansworth of Moodyshire! As I live and breathe.'

• In celebration: "Jack-anack-anory"

• Lynn enters the caravan while Alan is talking to the tax-collecters "Oh Lynn! The fat envelope!......... not you Lynn"

• "It's vulcanised rubber, which means it won't perish."

• Talking to a recovered drug addict on Christian radio "have you ever shaved your crackling?"

• At a bird sanctuary with Gill. "This is the best Valentines Day I've had in 8 years" "Why, what did you do 8 years ago?" "Just had a better one"

• Alan denies sending a Valentine’s card to Sophie - "Oh God, no, no. I’m old enough to be her father! Well her older brother. Either way it’s incest!"

• On discussing female aesthetics (Sonia's best points) with Lynne: "I don't like big feet. It reminds me of gammon."

• "Crabsticks do not actually contain any crab and, since 1993, manufacturers have been legally obliged to call them crab-flavoured sticks."

• "Big Yellow Taxi there by Joni Mitchell, a song in which she complains that they 'paved paradise to put up a parking lot' - a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise. Something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn't quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song."

• "Just a little joke there about how infected spinal column affects the central nervous system... it's now 5.35am..."

• "You make pigs smoke!"

• When discussing his book, 'Bouncing Back', with Michael and reading one of the critics quotes: "Lovely stuff. Not my words Michael, the words of Shakin' Stevens"

• When Lynn suggests Alan could save Pear Tree Productions by driving a Mini Metro, Alan: 'No! Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do. Go on.' Lynn: 'With a skeleton staff of two –' Alan: 'I’m not driving a mini-Metro, I’m not driving a mini-Metro, I’m not driving a mini-Metro.'

• Oooh scary Irish men. Would you like to recruit me? I like your berets. They're worn by Saddam Hussain, Frank Spencer, the French.

• Would you like me to lap dance for you? Uh uh, I want a second series.

• Would you like me to lap dance for you? Oooh my peep-hole Pringle is modelled on an SAS balaclava. Sweet feet. Do you like my cones? They're little ones. I got them from a cycling test centre. I've got a clean license yours is dirty. You've got six points I've got two...points.

• [Deleted scene] Tony Hayers. Deceased. Oooh the chances of my getting a second series have increased. Nice coffin you aught to preserve the surface with cooper oil or some other polyurethane based lacquer or it'll go dull. Yeah we had our differences but at the end of the day YOU died. [laughs]

• All right I'll admit it there's been a big conspiracy to deprive me of viewers and I'll tell you who's behind it as well. Your mates, that lot up there, the Mr and Missus of BBC 2. They don't like me they all went to Oxbridge University wherever that is and all go poncing round in their great big suits going "Ooh look at me I work for BBC2 do you like my glasses they're like John Lennon's. I loath these people. Every week just as I'm about to go on air a whole bank of them come into the studio and start going "You can't do that, you can't say this, you can't do..." GET OUT!!!

• I wish all you BBC 2 people would just get in a bus and just drive over a cliff. I'd happily be the driver!

• "Let Battle Commence!!"

• I've got a chocolate Marble Arch. It's very well rendered.

• Hi Susan. I was a bit bored so I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press. I can't put it back together again. Will that show up on my bill?

• Classic conversation to Lynn about Dan: "Dan's a fantastic man! He really is. I was talking to him early and he asked me what kind of phone I had and I said a Motorola Timeport. And he said, 'that's saaad, you wana upgrade'. I said, so do you - to a new face. He nearly soiled himself! He said he was laughing so hard he had Kenco coming out of his nostrils, and that made me laugh. But...my nostrils were clear."

• Hello is that Curry's? I'd like to place an order for two supplementary, auxiliary speakers, to go with my Midi Hi-Fi system, apropos achieving surround sound. Apropos...it's Latin. You got to have a basic grasp of Latin if you're working in..Curry's. Oh you've got them excellent, one last thing, what time do you knock-off? Fancy going for a drink? No? Sorry, just thought I'd ask.

• To Tony Hayers: "Oh I read your article in the paper. I loved that phrase you used 'Revolution, not Evolution'." Hayers: "No it was the opposite 'Evolution, not Revolution'." "Well you know whatever. Because that is me. I evolve, but I don't...revolve. Or vice versa."

• Britain has some of the safest roads in Europe, But this isn't Britain... Dis is Die Autobahn!

• After his keyboard malfunctions at 'An afternoon with Alan Partridge'. "Sorry about that; a couple of gremlins in the system there, ghosts in the machine....perhaps a metaphor for (can't think of anything).....good evening..afternoon"

• Using an elderly woman to demonstrate how to disable a terrorist: "The terrorist is disorientated by the stun grenade, he doesn't know what's going on.....move and fire, and move and fire, and move and fire"

• 'Lynn, these are sex people!'

• One of the best scenes:

Alan: Grrrhhhhh!!!!
Susan: Arrggghhhh!!!
Alan: No I'm a zombie, I'm dressed as a zombie, I'm Alan Partridge!
Michael: Well can you come out please, Mr Partridge, because guests are not allowed behind reception.
Alan: Alright, alright. Look its just a joke, okay? It's backfired.
Ben: Is that blood?
Alan: It's tomato ketchup.
Susan: Why have you got a shower curtain round your neck.
Alan: I'm a zombie, I don't know, it's supposed to be a flap of skin or something.
Susan: Did you pull that off one of the showers?
Alan: No, I checked all the rings to make sure I could reattach them after, nothing has been damaged!
Michael: Why've you got biscuits sellotaped to your face?
Alan: They're complimentary, it's supposed to be flaky skin. I'm a zombie.
Sophie: What's that between your legs?
Alan: It's a flex of a mini kettle, its supposed to be a tail.
Sophie: Zombies don't have tails.
Alan: Alright, it's inconsistent. Zombies by their very nature are inconsistent, they're a mishmash of different bits.
Ben: Nah, that's Frankenstein.
Alan: Right, you've made two glaring errors!
Ben: What's that on your fingers?
Alan: They're tungsten-tip screws for claws. Right, error one - actually they're quite good for making a point aren't they? - error one, Frankenstein is the name of the creator, not the monster. Right error two right, Frankenstein is a zombie. Okay, he's a type of zombie. It's like people when they say Tannoy when they mean public address system. Tannoy is a brand name. Why're you all staring at me? I'm not have a go at anyone, I'm having a pop at the undead. I mean do you see any upset zombies around?
Sophie: Just the one.
Alan: This country!

• Have any of you seen the film The Crying Game? With the woman with the old tadger. I suppose the sequel will have a man with, a fanny.

• So err, how many people were killed in the Irish famine?

• To house salesman: "Actually the best thing I did, was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot. Is there a neighbourhood watch? Sorry, I'm very close to you."

• I thought you were sexy, I don't now you're a bloke! I have a good mind to knock your block off!

• After finishing a fry-up: "That's the best cooked breakfast I've had since Gary Wilmot's wedding"

• Alan: (singing) Take a pinch of white man. Wrap him up in black skin. What's the next bit?

Micheal: Add a dash of blue blood. Alan: (singing) Add a dash of blue blood! Micheal: And a wee lil' bit of Red Indian boy. Alan: (singing) And...something else in Geordie!

• Sophie: And a Mr P. Neshead called.

Alan: Did he leave his first name? Sophie: No, just a Mr P Neshead. Alan: No, it's a crank call. It's another crank call. Sophie: Is it? Alan: Read it back to yourself. Sophie: (having read it) Oh, I see what he did there.