Season 2, Episode 3 - Bravealan

Alan is beginning his “Norfolk Nights” show:

Alan to his listeners: Tonight, we’re talking about death.
Announcer: Wivenhoe, Flitwick, Tiptree, Holbeach, Pinchbeck, Terrington St Clement, Thetford Forest. It’s 10pm, this is “Norfolk Nights” with Alan Partridge.
Alan: How would you like to be disposed of, when you’re dead? We’re taking letters and emails on that tonight, starting with a letter from Mike who’s 24. He’d like to be buried in a large satin-lined coffin, with a couple of Page Three stunners. They’re alive, he says… I’m not reading that out.
Another letter here from Susan from Spixworth. She said she’d like her ashes to be scattered in a nice field or meadow. That’s the kind of thing we want. [Gets distracted reading Mike’s letter] Sorry.
We’re also taking emails on the big question. What happens after we die? Frederick emails to say he has four children. He is the proud father of a new baby boy, Joshua, and his daughter, Susan, five, has just started school. And he thinks after death, there is nothing.
OK. Two questions. How are we going to eat, and what floor’s the restaurant on? The answer is “The Chinese Way” and Level 42.
Ooh, that was Terence Trent D’arby, cocky man from the ‘80s, helping everyone relax in “Alan’s Deep Bath”.
Announcer: “Alan’s Deep Bath”
Alan: We’re down to the final lather. Just relax. There’s a foamy bit on your shoulder. Let’s make it more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid. Don’t you feel good? Relax. Don’t fall asleep and slip under… there’s some terrible statistics about that. Let’s just finish your neck off now with some final suds. Mmmmm!
Announer: “Alan’s Deep Bath”, Alan: Brought to you, by Dettol.
Alan: It’s 1am. Calling  all pigeons. There’s a cat amongst you. And that cat’s name, is Dave Clifton. Prrr-opping up the bar, in his fictional “Nightclub”
Dave: Yeah, well. Better being in a fictional nightclub that a fictional bath, Alan.
Alan: Yeah, well it’s better than having fictional listeners, Dave. It’s bad enough sitting on your own in a real nightclub, which I’ve seen you do, but sitting on your own in a fictional on is got to be the worth of boast worlds.
Dave: Sorry, Alan. Don’t you mean the worst of both worlds?
Alan: No, no, no. I do mean the worth of boast worlds. IE, in the world of boasters – not the biscuits, but people who boast, like you. Their worth is worth… you know…
Dave: OK. Here’s Matt Bianco.
Alan is at the petrol station, talking to Michael:
Alan: Chap there parked on the wrong side of the pumps. Amazing the number of people who still think the petrol cap to a Ford Focus is on the offside rear.
Michael: When will they learn?
Alan: You know what that is, Michael? It’s saaaaad. There’s no point pulling it mate, it’s not going to reach. He’s determined to make it reach. Oh, he has done.
Michael: So, was it a good show tight? Did anybody actually phone in?
Alan: Had a fascicating discussion about reincarnation with a chap from Spixworth. Who was convinced that in a previous life, he’d been Arthur Askey. I pointed out that his and Askey’s life had overlapped, and he backed down.
Michael: I believe in reincarnation, like. I’d like to come back as an animal. Like a dolphin.
Alan: Dolphins are quite intelligent, Michael.
Michael: I can jump through a hoop and catch a fish in me mooth.
Alan: Could you, really?
Michael [Mimics a dolphin]: Yeah,  yeah.
Alan: But  can you do this? [Making a clicking sound]
Michael: What’s that?
Alan: IT’s a dolphin chatting.
Michael: Oh, I can do a whale. Ooooooh!
Alan: No, that’s a homosexual. It’s a fascinating subject, reincarnation. I always wonder what Lynn would come back as.
Michael: Aye, a badger. I’ve always seen her as a badger.
Alan: I can imagine her coming out of a hole, sniffing the air.
Michael: Then you can smack her heed with a  shovel!
Alan: No, I wouldn’t do that, Michael. Even if she was a badger.
Michael: You’ve got to control them, man. You know, they’ve got TB.
Alan: So had the Bronte sisters. I wouldn’t hit them over the head with a shovel, no matter how bad the books were. “Heathcliff” PANG!. Then he really would be wuthering.
Michael: Aye, look. A Lexus. It’s a better one than yours.
Alan: It’s interesting, Michael, since owning a Lexus, it’s amazing the number of Lexi you see around. Because that’s the plural.
Alan’s future best friend, Dan, walks into the garage:
Alan: The Daily Mail.
Dan: Yep.
Alan: Arguably the best newspaper in the world.
Dan: Oh, yes.
Michael: Nice Lexus.
Dan: Yes. I love Lexi.
Alan: Yeah, I always have a thing I say about Lexus, is like the…
Alan and Dan: Japanese Mercedes.
Dan: Yeah, well I hate Mercs. People who drive them are just sa-a-ad.
Alan: Are you wearing Lynx?
Dan: Well smelt. Voodoo.
Alan: Java. Alan Partridge.
Dan: Dan Moody.
Alan: Pleased to meet you.
Michael: I wear Tommy Hilfinger.
Alan: It’s Hilfiger.
Michael: No, it says Hilfinger on the bottle.
Alan: Did you buy it down the market?
Michael: Aye.
Alan: It’s amazing, this Lexus connection. Next you’ll be telling me you drink Directors Bitter.
Dan: I’ve got it coming out of my taps.
Alan: Have you?
Dan: I’m joking.
Alan: Great! It’s amazing we both like the Daily Mail. We both drive Lexi.
Dan: Plural.
Alan: Plural. And we both drink Directors Bitter. It’s like the “X-Files”, but a pleasant “X-Files”.
Dan: The Lex Files.
Alan: God, that’s good. Can I shake your hand again?
Dan: Take a card.
Alan: Oh, you combined the card with the handshake. I used to do that, but kept getting it wrong. Gave a paper cut to a man from Nestle. You own Kitchen Planet on the A416.
Dan: The very same.
Alan: It’s massive.
Dan: 10,000 square feet of sheer kitchens. And I know who you are. “Norfolk Nights”.
Alan: The very same. And, of course, “Skirmish”, a military-based general knowledge quiz show on digital cable channel UK Conquest. That has the largest audience share for a digital channel at that time of day, in the Norfolk area.
Michael: You should dee him a cheap kitchen. He want’s a kitchen.
Alan: Michael, I wouldn’t insult this man by asking for a 25% discount on a kitchen.
Dan: You’re looking for a kitchen, I can get you a kitchen, let’s talk.
Alan: Fancy a Flav?
Dan: Flavia? Good call.
Alan: King of coffees.
Dan: Oh, in off the red.
Alan: How do you take it?
Dan: Unleaded.
Alan: Mine’s diesel.
Dan: What does that mean?
Alan: I don’t know. You know, we’ve got a lot in common, we should go for a proper drink. I mean, you provide quality kitchens and I provide…
Dan: Quality radio.
Michael: And I work in a petrol station.
Alan: Yeah, but it’s just me and Dan that’s going for the drink.
Michael: Oh, yeah, fine. I’ll just get hammered on me own.
Alan: Oh, well. I’ll walk you to your Lexus.
Michael: Shall I put these on the tab?
Alan: Tab? I haven’t got a tab! I wish I could. I wish I could afford a tab. I can afford one, I’ve for a six-figure income.
Alan is in the static home with Sonja:
Alan: Well, Sonja, that was classic intercourse. So, err. Thanks. OK. Let’s just pop the extractor fan on, get a through draught going.
Sonja: Alan, do you want an egg in a bap?
Alan: Yes, please.
Sonja: Here comes your egg in a bap.
Alan: Oooh, great. Mmmm,  yum-yum. Argh, it’s plastic. I’ll look back on that as an excellent practical joke. I presume there’s some sort of whoopee cushion in here somewhere?
Sonja: Yes.
Alan: I’ll look forward to that, taking me by surprise. Where’s Lynn? She’s never normally late.
Sonja: So, this Dan the kitchen man. You like him? You think he will be friend?
Alan: Yes, I’m convinced, he’s my best friend.
Sonja: It will be difficult day for me today in coffee shop. There is new stock, I have to cut the carrot cake.
Alan: And they say nurses have it tough. [There’s a knock at the door] Oh, good. Lynn, come in.
Lynn: Sorry I’m late. I mean, I know I’m not late. I’m just a little bit late.
Alan: Did you get my…
Lynn: I couldn’t find my keys. You see, I had a bit of a late night, last night. We went for a curry, and when we were about to leave, the heavens just opened and we were stuck in the foyer. And we were just pointing at the rain, saying “We’re stuck, we’re stuck, we’re stuck!”.
Alan: Lynn, has your mothers death just hit you?
Lynn: No, we were stuck in the foyer…
Alan: Hang on a second, who’s we?
Lynn: Me and my friend from church.
Alan: And what’s her name?
Lynn: It’s a he.
Alan: Right, Lynn. Sit down. [Lynn sits on the whoopee cushion] Don’t worry about that. It’s just a cushion that simulates rectal gas. Now, what’s his name.
Lynn: Gordon.
Alan: How long has Gordon been a member of the church?
Lynn: A few weeks, he’s just moved into the area.
Alan: He’s a con man.
Lynn: No. He’s a retired policeman.
Alan: Lynn, bigamists have several identities. To men like that, the building society books of women like you make fascinating reading.
Lynn: Sorry. Just thinking of Gordon and me stuck in the rain.
Alan: Stop laughing, Lynn. You’re laughing at weather! You’re like your mother in her last few weeks. We’ll have to have a serious talk in the morning.
Alan receives a phone call from Dan:
Alan: Hello, Partridge. You’re through to the static home. Dan! Dan! Sir Dansworth of Moodyshire as I live and breathe! I know it was you. I keyed it in last night when I drove home. Nearly hit a badger. Yeah, well they’re pests, aren’t they. [Looks over at Lynn] Yeah. They carry TB.
So, how’s it hanging? Yes, I dress on the left too! I’d love to, love to.
Alan to Sonja: Dan has asked me to present a prize at the Norfolk Bravery Awards tonight.
Alan to Dan: Yeah, I’d be delighted. Well, you’ve got to put a bit back [Sonja attacks Alan with a joke hammer] No, please! No! Oh, sorry. No, my Ukranian girlfriend was attacking me with a rubber hammer. She’s mildly cretinous. OK. Bye. Bye-bye.
Alan to Lynn and Sonja: You know who’s going to be at the Norfolk Bravery Awards?
Sonja: Who?
Alan: Who!? It reads like a whos-who of anyone who’s anyone, who’s in the Norfolk area.
Lynn: Do you want me to come, Alan?
Alan: No thanks, Lynn.  I’ll be fine. You and Gordon can go and laugh at drizzle.
Sonja: Tonight I will try out some of my jokes, and make brave people laugh again.
Lynn: Do you need me to be..
Alan: Just keep her away from the dignitaries.
Lynn: What about brave people?
Alan: Oh, she can mingle with them. As long as she doesn’t use her whoopee cushion on someone with M.E.
Lynn: I’ll be off then.
Alan: One more thing, Lynn. [Holds up a joke knife] Aaarrgh! [Lynn grabs Alan by the neck] It’s a joke knife! It’s a joke knife! It’s a joke knife! It’s funnier than rain.
Alan is in the car with Lynn and Sonja heading to the Norfolk Bravery Awards:
Alan: Dan’s a fantastic man! He really is. I was making him laugh this morning, I was on the phone to him. He was asking me what kind of phone I had, and I said “A Motorola Timeport”. And he said “That’s Sa-a-ad! You want to upgrade”. And I said “So do you, to a new face!”. He nearly soiled himself! He said he laughed so much, he had Kenco coming out of his nostrils. And that made me laugh.But my nostrils were clear. You can drown in a cup of coffee, or is it an inch of water?
Sonja [wearing a fake beard]: Alan, look. You’re taking a man to the party.
Alan to Lynn: Get it off her.
Lynn: Oh, look, Sonja. [Lynn grabs the beard, hands it to Alan who throws it out of the car]
Sonja: Alan!
Alan: Well done, Lynn. That was textbook.
Alan arrives at Choristers:
Alan: I will, I will. But, Lynn, please have a word with the builder. Because the other day his jeans were so far off his backside, you could more or less see his anus. There’s Dan. Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! He’s not seen me. I’ll get him later. DAN! Fine.
Alan is presenting an award to Susan Cresswell at the Norfolk Bravery Awards:
Alan: These awards are about people like Susan Cresswell. Susan is braver than ten firemen, or a dozen policemen. Four years ago, Susan lost her hand in a cake-cutting machine. She managed to walk 400 yards, holding her hand in her other hand, where she hailed a taxi. One can only imagine what that must have looked like. The quick thinking taxi driver drove her to a newsagent, wher the hand was packed in Soleros, Magnums, Mini Milks and a Feast. After six hours of surgery, the hand was sown back on. Sadly,  it didn’t work, so off it came again. But she still had one good hand, and she was damned if anyone was going to take that off her. No one was suggesting they were going to do that. Anyway, the point is, four years later, she is credit controller at Cromwell Certificated Bailiffs. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a  big hand… Applaud! Applaud like mad for Susan Cresswell.
Alan is mingling at the awards:
Alan to Lynn: Single-hand Sue there, tackling the buffet. Like a human JCB.
Dan: See that man over there with the big head and small face? That’s Mike Yapely.
Bob: What, who owns the Car Supermarket on the A47?
Dan: The very same.
Ceri: He is such a character. But he’s got a heart of gold.
Dan: Yeah, teeth of gold as well!
Alan: I heard he hit a prostitute.
Dan: Alan. How was your visit to the lavatory?
Alan: Mission accomplished. Splash down.
Bob: Did you see Mr Brown and his friends off to the coast?
Alan: Yeah. Actually, I should get a bravery award for that, I’ll tell you. No, seriously, it was textbook.
Dan: Alan, this is Bob Fraser.
Bob: I own Sexton’s Garden Centre.
Alan: Wow. Hey, I’ll tel you. If a bomb went off in here tonight, the whole of society would collapse. In Norwich… for a bit.
Bob: Yeah, look, lovely to meet you Alan.  I’m just going to have a chinwag with Mike Yapely.
Alan: OK. Don’t dress as a whore, he’ll thump you.
Dan: Alan, you must meet my lady wife Ceri.
Ceri: I love listening to your “Deep Bath”, alan.
Alan: Well, Dan’s told me all about you.
Ceri: Oh, what did he say?
Alan: He just said he was married.
Dan: Well, give the man a twirl. Let the dog see the rabbit.
Alan: Oh yeah, but which is which? Sorry. I’m the dog. You’re a terrific rabbit.
Alan: Oh, a lovely olden days map of Norfolk, there.
Dan: Yep. They call Norfolk the rump of Britain.
Ceri: I think it looks more like a boob.
Dan: Oh! I stand corrected, said the man in the orthopaedic shoes!
Alan: Cracking!
Dan: Oh, there goes Karen Colman.
Alan: Is that Karen Colman, Colman’s Mustard Colman?
Ceri: Yeah.
Alan: She is the Grace Kelly with black hair of Norfolk.
Dan: Her house is massive.
Alan: I know, they use it in Hammer Horror films. It’s Darcula’s house. Can I just go and talk to her?
Dan: It’s a free country.
Alan seizes the opportunity to speak to Karen Colman:
Alan: Oh, this.
Lynn: I’m just keeping a close eye on Sonja.
Alan: Just make sure she hasn’t got any stink bombs strapped to her body. If she detonates those, it’ll be the mother of all pongs. Then we’ll see who’s brave.
Alan: Would you like to meet Karen Colman?
Patricia: Well, yes. I don’t really know her.
Alan: Room for a brave one? Beep-beep! Come on, mate, we’re on wheels here! Excuse me? Mustard. I mean, Karen. This lady would love to meet you.
Patricia to Karen: Hi. I’m Patricia Lessing.
Karen: Oh, Karen Colman. Nice of you to come. Well, I hope you are being looked after.
Alan to Patricia: Do you want to meet Bob? He owns a garden centre.
Alan to Karen: Yes. She’s an amazing woman.
Karen: My grandfather was in a wheelchair.
Alan: Really? Was he born in a wheelchair? Not sure what I meant by that.
Patricia: Karen, I wonder if I can bend your ear for a moment?
Karen: Yes, of course.
Patricia: I run a project in Ipswich where we help disabled  people setup their own businesses…
Karen: Oh, really? Well, we must talk. Let me get you a drink.
Patricia: Oh, thank you.
Alan to Particia: Would you be brave enough to let me finish my conversation?
Patricia: I just wanted to talk about my project.
Alan: Yeah, listen love, it’s just a meet and greet. Come on, you can push your way to the front of the buffet queue, it’s not all doom and gloom.
Karen: Whre’s she gone?
Alan: She drove off. As a mustardess, if you like, what’s your view on the new kids on the block? I mean things like Tabasco sause and soy. I mean, do those keep you awake at night?
Karen: Well, as we say in our family, too much mustard gets up your nose.
Alan: Marvellous.
Karen: So many brave people here today.
Alan: They’re so ruddy bloody brave. I love brave people. Sir Donald Campbell. Evil Knievel. Braveheart… And, of course, yourself.
Karen: Oh, I’m not brave. I just do my bit at events like this and fund-raising for mental health charities.
Alan: That’s one charity I avoid, actually, Mental health. Don’t want to get tarred with the mad brush.
Karen: I really should go and mingle now.
Alan: I have mental health problems.
Karen: Oh, I’m so sorry. I should have realised. Although, I did wonder when I first met you.
Alan: I won’t bore you with the details, but I drove to Dundee in my bare feet. After buying the rights to K-9, the robot dog on casters from “Dr Who”.
Karen: Well, listen. We must talk. I’ve done an awful lot of work in that field.
Dan to Alan: Did you find out how much she’s got? Hey, Alan. You know that thing you were saying about Norfolk being like a breast, well Ceri just said the A47 ring road is the areola!
Alan: Yeah, that’s not really my kind of humour, actually.
Dan: Anyway, Alan Partridge, I arrest you on suspicion of sucking up to a mustard magnate
Alan: You’re not a copper.
Dan: Well, it’s a citizens arrest.
Alan: Well, I’ll shoot you then, bang!
Dan: I’m wearing a bulletproof blazer.
Alan: Well, I’ll go for a head shot.
Dan: I’m the Terminator you can’t kill me!
Alan: I’ve got your kids, I’ve got your kids, Dan.
Alan sees Sonja talking to Karen Colman:
Alan: Oh, cook a cat!
Sonja to Karen: Then, I met a guy called Jack, on the internet, then we went back to his first wife. And my boyfriend call him Jack shit!
Alan to Karen: Is this lady annoying you?
Karen: No, not at all. She’s been telling me the problems in getting into this country. I think people like Sonja should be helped to settle here, permanently.
Alan: I think you have to judge each case on it’s merits.
Karen: Listen. Things are beginning to wind down here. I’ve got some friends coming for a drink at the house.
Alan: Splending and tremedndous.
Karen: It’s a girls only night tonight.
Alan: Ah, loads of women talking blabberiung crap?
Sonja [with joke glasses on]: Look, I’m brave. My eye’s falling out!
Alan: That’s the tip of the iceberg. Oh, you think it’s funny.
Alan is at a loose end after the awards, heads to the arcade then Michaels house:
Alan: Shitty zombies!
Michael: Oh, Mr Partridge.
Alan: Hello, Michael.
Michael: I cannot sell you any petrol.
Alan: No, no. I was just passing, I just thought I’d…
Michael: Oh, right.
Alan:… say hello.
Michael: Would you like some soup?
Alan: I’m not a tramp, Michael.
Michael: No, no, no, I’m just offering you something to eat, like.
Alan: Well, what have you got?
Michael: I can do you a cup of beans.
Alan: A cup of beans?
Michael: Have you never had a cup of beans, man? Oh, aye. You’re in for a treat here. [Alan attempts to walkinto Michaels house] Stay there.
Alan: Yeah,right.
Michael: There you go. As ordered. One cup of beans. And I’ve put a sausage in, and all. So, it’s a Michael special.
Alan: Lovely. It’s sort of like a savoury 99.
Michael: Aye. Aye! You use the sausge to scoop the beans oot.
Alan: Have you got a spoon?
Michael: No.
Alan: You haven’t got a spoon?
Michael: There’s one in the bathroom, but I’ve no cause to use it.
Alan: Are you alright, Michael? You seem a bit at a loose end.
Michael: I’m watching a documentary aboot Triads, like.
Alan: I always wondered, how they get those swords through customs.
Michael: Aye. Probably just put them inside a cardboard tube, like. What you’d put a poster in, eh?
Alan: That’s a good idea.
Michael: Bye.
Alan: Bye. What do want me to do with this…
Michael: Put it on the step.
Alan: Yeah, right.
Alan turns up at Dan’s house:
Alan on the phone to Lynn: Hello, Lynn. I’m at Dan’s big house. Can you come with the kitchen brochures? So that’s, Smeg, Neff, Poggenpohl and Bosch!
Dan: Come on in, come on in.
Alan: Dan, can we still talk about kitchens?
Dan: I speak no other language. Get you a drink?
Alan: Yeah, nice big fat shot of Director’s bitter.
Ceri: Oh, hello, Alan.
Alan: Oh, hello.
Ceri: Budge up.
Alan: Sorry I’m a bit late.
Ceri: What have you been up to?
Alan: Tried to outdance a computer. Impossible. And then I fought some zombies with a boy in care. Wiped the floor with him. Your hand is about 30 mil from my gland. And if I was dressed on the other side, it would be in contact. Your little finger just touched it. [Takes Ceri’s hand and places it on her lap] I’ll just pop that there.
Dan: The kitchen?
Alan: Oh, good.
Dan: This is the one for you.
Alan: Right.
Dan: Budge up.
Alan: What, that way?
Dan: Yep.
Alan: That’s a good stainless steel hob. Very futuristic. [To Ceri] That’s you. You’re naked. [To Dan] There’s you. Hello, Dan. Is that a granite work surface that’s supporting you both? Not Corian, a man-made marble substitute?
Dan: Well, Corian is to marble and granite what MDF is to wood. I’ve got wood there.
Alan: No, that’s MDF. Oh, I see. You’re making a joke. MDF’s banned in America.
Ceri: So’s that.
Alan: Oh, all done. Think I’ll go.
Dan and Ceri: Alan!
Alan: I’ve just remembered my dad is, still dead. My dad’s dead.
Lynn: Alan?
Alan: That was quick.
Lynn: You rang earlier to bring over the kitchen brochures.
Dan: Can I get you a drink, Lynn?
Lynn: Oh, a Baileys, please.
Dan: Take a seat.
Alan: Sit there, sit there, sit there.
Lynn: Oh, this is a comfy sofa.
Alan: Oh, Jesus.
Dan: I’ll get the drinks [strokes Alan’s face]
Alan: Aah!
Ceri: I’ll see where your drink is.
Alan: Lynn, these are sex people.
Lynn: What do you mean?
Alan: They’re sex swappers! Lynn, this is Defcon One. Look. [Plays video of Dan and Ceri]
Lynn: Urgh!
Alan: Don’t make the same noise as them! They’ll think you’ll want to join in. I’ll pause it. Oh, I’ve hit fast forward. Looks like a sort of hard-core Benny Hill. That’s the kitchen work surface I was telling you about.
Dan: Lynn, Lynn, your Baileys.
Lynn: No, thanks. I don’t want to be part of your sex festival.
Alan: Sex festival? Can I be very rude? Not like that [points to the TV]
Dan: Try me.
Alan: No, no. Come on, pack it in, mate. I don’t want to have sex with your wife. Even though, from the promotional  videao, I can see that I would have a ruddy good time.
Ceri: Want a little hug?
Alan: A quick one. Don’t rub your fanny on me!
Ceri: Look forward to listening to your “Deep Bath” later, Alan.
Alan is back in the studio, clearly unhappy about what happened at Dan’s house:
Announcer: From Felixstowe to Spalding. All the issues.
Alan: It’s 11:30. Time for my “Deep Bath”
Announcer: “Alan’s Deep Bath”
Alan: That’s the last one, we’re stopping this after tonight. So, there’s the bath, hop in, wash yourself. There’s a loofah. Do be clean. There’s a big coarse towel on the radiator. Don’t forget to rinse the bath, once you’ve drained the water. Use the shower nozzle to blast off the scum. Here’s Brian and Michael.
Alan [on a video game]: King of Anglia!