Series 2 Episode 5 - I know what Alan did last summer

Alan is in the studio in chatting about dogs on “Super Talk”

Alan: That was sweating lunatic Iggy Pop, part of our Tuesay night ‘Punk Pack’, which is climaxing at midnight with Madness. This is ‘Norfolk Nights’ with Alan Partridge, and we’re in the middle of ‘Super Talk’.
(Echoing) Super Talk! Brought to you by Ginster’s Pasties
Alan: Tonight we’re Super Talking about evil dogs. We’ve all seen them in those undesirable areas. Donald from Hemsby has e-mailed us to say, ‘dangerous dogs should simply have their teeth replaced with strips of rubber’. I think that’s an excellent idea. I’m going to make him our e-mail of the evening.
(Dalek voice) e-mail of the evening!
Alan: And Donald wins our top prize which is a kind of Action Man military figure, it’s got all kinds of features, and on the box it says ‘not suitable for children’. I wouldn’t take any notice of that. Although my cousin did once buy a pirated Tweenie from a covered market in Brundall, and it was full of soiled bandages. Anyway, time for music now. Who’s this beautiful blonde man with a lovely voice? It’s Annie Lennox.
Alan: That was Bill Withers who, thank the Lord, is still with us. I’ll be back here tomorrow with another fun prize. It’s a piggy bank. It’s 1am, as the whole of Norfolk sleeps, something truly evil stirs.
Dave: All right Alan, actually-
Alan: His coffin lid opens with a shuddering creak.
(Creaking)
Alan: An owl hoots…
(Danny Francetti’s Jazz Box)
Alan: Sorry it’s the new digital system.
(Hooting)
Alan: Out pops the vampire.. count Davula of Cliftonvania. He’s very fed up – not because he can’t see his reflection, but because he can!
Dave: That’s right Alan, actually I’ve been up all night drinking human blood.
Alan: Is that all?
Dave: And erm I tell you, there is one person I would love to drive a stake though.
Alan: Well that’s the only thing you’ll be driving since your ban.
Dave: Well maybe you should be banned from broadcasting Alan, after some of those truly shocking prizes you’ve been giving away.
Alan: This coming from the man who once gave away a CD removed from the cover of a music magazine.
Dave: Ah, yes. All right folks, we’re gonna Go West.

Alan is in the static home with Sonja, finishing breakfast

Alan: That was the best full English breakfast I’ve had since Gary Wilmot’s wedding.
Sonja: It was ruddy superb?
Alan: Oh yeah, I’d have that three times a day if I could, but I’d be dead.
Sonja: It kill you?
Alan: Yeah, it’s cholesterol. Scottish people eat it. Few of them make 60. Why are there holes in my ‘Daily Mail’?
Sonja: I do collage, look. I cut out the heads of U2 and then I put on top of space clothes.
Alan: I see, and the idea is that U2 are going into space? That’s an interesting thought, you should send it to the fan club.
Sonja: I already have.
Alan: Oh, you’re not just sexy, you’re also a very good… fan club member.
Sonja: I also write to tell them that my boyfriend is very good friend with Bono.
Alan: Yes, yes I am.
Sonja: Will you introduce me?
Alan: Yeah.
Sonja: Can I put in journal that I am very good cook of full English breakfast?
Alan: Yes, you can. In fact, I’ve made a few notes. Yes, bacon – ten on ten, button mushrooms – bingo, black pudding – snap, erm, minor criticism, more distance between the eggs and the beans. I may want to mix them, but I want that to be my decision. Use a sausage as a breakwater. But I’m nit-picking, on the whole a very good effort, seven on ten, let’s make love.
Sonja: OK!
Alan: Yeah I always find that a fried breakfast makes an excellent aphrodisiac. Excuse me.
Sonja: You don’t want to wash the dishes?
Alan: Let’s make love right here, right now. OK, just fold this table away. You should feel it clip in the housing. Yeah, I’m gonna hump ya. That’s it. Like Deputy Dawg would hump ya. There we go.
Sonja: You want fitted sheet?
Alan: No we’ll just use the large beach towel.
Sonja: Alan, I buy you another present.
Alan: What?
Sonja: It’s a London love taxi. I have put my heart in back of taxi and told driver to go to you.
Alan: Aah, Don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ll pop that up there with the others. Getting a big crowded now, like London. Which I spell S – H – I – T – H – O – L – E. Shithole! Let’s start with some petting.
Lynn: Alan! Alan it’s me!
Alan: Get in, Lynn. Lynn, what do you think is Sonja’s best feature?
Lynn: Her hair?
Alan: Nope.
Lynn: Her neck? Her eyes? Her eyelashes?
Alan: No, it’s her feet. Lovely dainty feet. I don’t like big feet, reminds me of gammon.
Lynn: Have you decided what you’re going to call the house?
Alan: I’ve narrowed it down to ‘Lord House’, ‘Ace House’, and ‘The Cinnamons’.
Sonja: We ought to call it ‘Our House’.
Alan: Yeah, we could call it that. Do wanna make a note of that?
Lynn: Now, Alan, I need to know, you’re completely ready for the Inland Revenue? Have you got all your receipts?
Alan: Yes, some are on a spike over there, you’ve got some in a fat envelope, and the rest are in a shoe box which I threw off a ferry. That was a low point.
Lynn: Now, be prepared, these tax people can stay indefinitely.
Alan: Lynn, if I have to put back my roger with Sonja one more time, I’ll be fit to burst. I’ll have to resort to plan B.
Lynn: Have you got everything ready for the meeting?
Alan: Well, you’re gonna be there with me.
Lynn: They’re not investigating me.
Alan: Lynn, we’re in this together.
Lynn: Well, what are you trying to hide?
Alan: Nothing… all right, Bill Oddie gave me a dressing gown as a Christmas present. He enclosed a receipt so I could take it back if I wanted to. I submitted Oddie’s receipt for tax purposes. I’m guilty as hell Lynn. And if I’m going down, you’re going down with me. I want you to lie for me.
Lynn: I can’t do that Alan, in the eyes of God…
Alan: Lynn, Lynn, I’m on God’s side. I can’t stand the devil, I mean he’s bang out of order, and he’s an evil, evil idiot. And I know in the Ten Commandments it says ‘Thou shalt not lie’, but if the Elephant Man came in here now with some lipstick on and a nice dress, and said ‘how do I look?’, would you say, Lynn, bearing in mind that he’s depressed and has got respiratory problems, would you say ‘take that blusher off, you ugly misshapen-headed elephant tranny?’
Lynn: No, I’d say, ‘you look very nice’.
Alan: Exactly, you’re say ‘you look nice, John’.
Lynn: Now Alan, the tax people are coming in an hour. You’ve got one hour to get ready.
Sonja: Alan, look what I draw.
Alan: What’s that?
Sonja: It’s an alien judge.
Alan: Golly, an alien judge.
Sonja: And the alien judge… the alien judge is shooting the taxman, and the taxman’s head is come off, and all the blood is squirt out.
Lynn: Alan you promised me Sonja wasn’t going to be here when the tax people came.
Alan: I know and I’ve ruddy gone and forgotten haven’t I? Speak very quickly, she can’t understand it.
Lynn: What can we do about her?
Alan: That’s very good. I could send her into Norwich on an errand. Sonja, what are your plans?
Sonja: I go to coffee shop of course.
Alan: Problem solved. Sonja, Lynn’s gonna give you a lift to work.
Sonja: OK.
Lynn: And the house names?
Alan: Oh, yes, I’ve decided I’m going to call it ‘Excalibur Cottage’. Can’t mess about on this one Lynn.
Lynn: Well, get ready for the tax people.
Alan: Chill out babe… love… Lynn. The last one. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be.. oh she’s gone.
John: Hello, Alan.
Alan: Oh! Hello.. er.. Tell me your name.
John: John.
Alan: All right, John, me old mucker?
John: I’m from Manchester.
Alan: M62. How’s it going in the living room, uncovered any old fireplaces?
John: No, it’s a brand-new house, init.
Alan: Yeah, good call. If you need me, I’ll be in the caravan. Sorry, you’re from Manchester, cotton and guns.

The tax inspectors turn up to speal to Alan

Tax Woman 1: Mr Partridge? We’re from the Inland Revenue.
Alan: No you’re not.
Tax Woman 2: Yes, we are.
Alan: Oh, come in then. Hello, sit over there. Ah, wolves at the door. You’ll huff, and you’ll puff, and… where’s the other one, where’s the other pig? Sorry, just met you, got off to a bad start.
Tax Woman 1: Sorry, we are a bit early.
Alan: Yes, that old one, the being early trick, mind games. I’m  shit-chatting, sorry, chit-shatting.
Tax Woman 1: I’m Monica, this is Catherine.
Catherine: Hi.
Monica: And what today is all about, it’s purely a straightforward random investigation.
Alan: OK, do you want something to eat?
Monica: No, no thanks.
Alan: I’ll check the fridge. OK we’ve got a net bag of Babybels, you can’t have those, they’re for the car, I’m driving to Harrogate. Do you want a beer?
Monica: No thanks.
Alan: That’s another old trick, spike the drink, pop you in the boot of the Lexus and dump you in the North sea. I’d tie a jack to your leg, you’d sink like a stone.
Catherine: It’s all right, we’ve eaten, thanks.
Alan: Do you want a little teddy bear? It’s got.. bean juice, I could probably put it in the washing machine.
Monica: Do you think we could see you?
Alan (bear): Hello. My name’s… Graham. Don’t be horrible to Alan, he doesn’t avoid tax, he only evades tax.. no, it’s the other way round, oh shut up!
Monica: Why don’t you just sit down?
Alan: Yeah.
Catherine: Let’s have a look at a couple of your company records. Now there’s an entry here for Tomahawk Leisure. What was that?
Alan: That was a company which we set up. We looked into its operation and closed it down again. It was inoperable. I wonder if I can walk like this. I could have been R2-D2.
Catherine: OK, what about Apache Communications?
Alan: I’ve got a leaflet on that. Mine’s a pint. It’s not here! ‘It’s not here’, that’s the bear again. This is going quite well, do you want a chicken drumstick?
Monica: No, no thanks.
Alan: I’ve got a chocolate Marble Arch. It’s very well rendered. I should have got them to do the house. Better than these bastards. Still, at least they’re cash in hand.
Monica: Alan, ‘cash in hand’? It’s not a phrase we like.
Catherine: Look, Alan, just relax, OK? As long as everything’s above board, you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about.
Alan: I’ve got nothing to hide. Search me! Search me! Oh, that’s Customs and Excise isn’t it..
Monica: Right. Could we have a look at the receipts on your spike?
Alan: Yes, I have a confession to make. When I raised my legs then, something happened which was unplanned’… I released an unexpected but potent gust. I’d like to apologise in advance if it registers, because it is out there.
Catherine: Look Alan, we understand if you’re nervous.
Monica: There’s a receipt here for a cinema ticket for one to ‘Shrek’.
Alan: Research, next question.
Monica: Seems to be on the same day, there’s a receipt here for a pair of shoes from Dolcic in Dundee.
Alan: Yeah, I had no shoes. You can’t go see ‘Shrek’ in your bare feet.
Monica: We’ve got a receipt here for a dressing gown, do you want to tell us about that?
Alan: Yes, can you hold these please?

Alan steps outside of the static home to speak to John.

John: All right, Alan?
Alan: All right… all right?
John: John.
Alan: John, right. I always think of you as Bleachy Head because of your hair. Bealchy Head! I could throw myself off the top of you if I get depressed again! Just let off in a tax inspectress’s face.
John: Let off?
Alan: And it was mostly deliberate.
John: Do you want one, Al?
Alan: No, I don’t smoke. I’m one of the anti-cancer set. We’re a dying breed. Well we’re not, you are. I don’t mean you’ve got cancer. Maybe you have. If you haven’t, I apologise. If you have, please take the rest of the day off.
John: I’ve not got cancer Alan.
Alan: You can’t be too careful. Testicular, that’s the one. Always got to check for extra lumps.
John: Aye.
Alan: Yeah. Some guys feel a bit uncomfortable about it, but I always say why not combine it with a scratch?
John: Get our girlfriend to do it.
Alan: Yeah! Yeah I’ve got a girlfriend, we were bonking like mad last night in the caravan.
John: Getting down to it.
Alan: We were yeah! I tell you what, if it weren’t for the telescopic dampers on all four corners of the caravan, that place would have been wobbling like a very rude house. I say telescopic dampers, I mean rigid stays. How’s the grouting coming on?
John: Well, it’s not, because we haven’t decided on the tiles yet have we?
Alan: All right, well just, er… just carry on building the house.
John: What’s that?
Alan: It’s a tip, I panicked. Do declare it.

Alan is back in the static home to continue his discussions with the tax inspectors:

Alan: Sorry about that, just having a chinwag about cancer. It’s a serious subject. I once found a lump under my arm. Awful. Turned out in the end it was just a knot in my vest.
Sonja: Hi Alan.
Alan: Oh, she’s here… Sonja what are you doing back?
Sonja: I told Tomek to put his coffee shop up inside his ass.
Alan: I’ve just realised that I’m in a static home with three women. Just don’t all go off to the toilet and talk about me behind my back because it really is too small. But it is a solid bog, the chemicals in that loo will dissolve a corpse.
Sonja: You tell tax people they won’t find your money?
Alan: Sonja, these are very important people.
Sonja: She wears no make-up!
Alan: That’s irrelevant. Excuse me. Do you want to go to prison? Do you? Do you want to go to prison?
Sonja: You tell me prison is very cushy. It’s like holiday camps.
Alan: I was making a point about something else.
Sonja: Just go out and you say ‘no, I don’t pay, tax is rubbish’.
Alan: Sonja, you are not the Chancellor of the Exchequer! You’re my girlfriend! If you took over, the country would go to pot!
Sonja: You want me to be good little shut-up Sonja? Zip!
Alan: Thank you. Oh, God! It’s alright, it’s OK, it’s OK, it’s OK. (Gargling) Oh, did you see all that? Ah, great, Lynn! The fat envelope! Not you, Lynn. I’m just gonna pop to the Choristers, Lynn will answer all of your questions. Bye!
John: Where do you want these sockets Al?
Alan: Two there, two there, one in the middle of the floor for the computer.

Alan is in Choristers, having a pint and talking to members in the bar (who aren’t taking much notice):

Alan: Guide dogs for the blind. It’s cruel really, isn’t it? Forcing a dog to pull a man round all day. Not fair on either of them. Girlfriend’s left me. Well, to be honest, I’m chuffed like made. She weren’t expecting that. I’m gonna get home tonight, I’m just gonna have a sandwich and watch Trevor McDonald. Thank you very much. Probably won’t even brush my teeth. Sleep in my trousers. Yeah, some of the things me and my girlfriend do are pretty top- shelf. I mean, top-shelf in this country, not abroad. I don’t want to see an erection. Unless it’s in the mirror, right guys? Finished with the ‘Daily Mail’? Cheers. (Cowboy accent) Yeah, I think I’ll go and read Simon Heffer on the veranda. Ain’t no one gonna stop me.

Alan visits Michael at the BP garage:

Alan: I don’t know what to do. We have it off all the time.
Michael: Well at least it’ll be an end to all that London crap, Big Ben teddy bears, and all that. You hate London.
Alan: Oh yeah, but there is an upside. All those small taxis and little Tower Bridges sometimes make me feel like a giant. One day, when Sonja went out, I arranged them all on the floor, and I just marched around saying ‘fee, fi, fo fum! I smell the blood of an ungrateful bunch of bastards’.
Michael: She’s a good cook.
Alan: She does a fantastic full English breakfast. That’s daft. A good English breakfast.
Michael: Is she still making it too bunched up? With the egg..
Alan: Too close to the beans…
Michael: Too close to the beans. When will they learn eh? Mind, she was sexy, she wore a G-strap.
Alan: Well, yes, that’s for hygiene reasons too. It lets the buttocks breathe.
Michael: You don’t know to wear it or floss your teeth with it!
Alan: Or slice cheese with it!
Michael: Or all three!
Alan: Now that’s unhygienic. Problem is, I did have a girlfriend, now I haven’t got one anymore. What am I going to do?
Michael: Get yourself another!
Alan: No chance, British?
Lynn: Alan, I’ve called the police.
Alan: What for?
Lynn: I thought it was best.
Michael: She’ll turn up one way or the other.
Alan: This isn’t ‘Silent Witness’.
Sonja: Hello.
Alan: Sonja!
Lynn: Where have you been?
Sonja: I buy another present for Alan, guess what I buy.
Alan: I don’t know, a bear dressed as a beefeater.
Sonja: Yes! And then I went back to caravan and chucked out the tax woman.
Alan: Lovely stuff.
Sonja: Did you buy me a present to say sorry for being cross to me?
Alan: Yes, I did… and I’ll just go and get it. There we go, it’s a video by the West Country comedian Jethro, and it’s signed by Bono.
Michael: Do you know Bono?!
Alan: Yes I do.
Sonja: He’s big friends with Bono he tell me.
Michael: When did you get him to sign that then?
Alan: When I was round at his house with Jethro.
Sonja: You’ve been to Bono’s house?
Alan: Yes I have.
Michael: Bollocks! You don’t know Bono.
Alan: I do know Bono.
Sonja: You take me to Bono’s house.
Alan: You want to go to Bono’s house? OK, we’ll go to Bono’s house, but you’ll look stupid. Thanks you two, for dropping me right in it! Put these on the tab.

Alan is with Sonja in the car, heading to Bono’s house:

Sonja: Alan, you don’t remember where is Bono’s house?
Alan: I will remember. The last time I was there I took some pot and I was briefly mindless. And as I say he has a huge dog and he may well be drunk and unleash it because normally I ring ahead.
Sonja: I am not scared to dogs.
Alan: Well you should be because these are more like fat horses. You’ll either look thick or it’ll have your hands and feet off before bono can whistle it to stop.
Sonja: What sort of dog is that?
Alan: the sort of dog the Nazis used to chase Steve McQueen. They’re trained and very right-wing. This is Bono’s house, eureka. Those spiky trees I think are Joshua trees.

Alan pulls up at a National Trust country house, pretending it’s Bono’s house:

Sonja: Who are all these cards?
Alan: These are all Bono’s.
Sonja: All these cards?
Alan: Yeah, he’s got the biggest collection of… hatchbacks in the country. Bono! Bono! Well, this is it, this is where the idiot lives. Lovely pictures up there of lads with big hair. Henry VIII. He was a shit. Bono? Nah, he’s not here. Do you fancy a curry?
Sonja: No I want to see.
Alan: OK.
Alan: Yes, this is Bono’s bedroom, I’m not sure if he’s in. Bono? No, he’s not. He likes to lie there, though, with the ‘Sunday Express’, and the biggest bowl of Alpen you’ve ever seen. Massive it is.
Alan: What’s the name of a U2 album?
Sonja: Joshua Tree?
Alan: Yes, I knew that, because he composed half of it over there. And the other half… over there.
Sonja: These people are friends of Bono?
Alan: Still on that are we?
Sonja: Why the red rope everywhere, and the plastic fruit?
Alan: The man is mentally ill. I’ve seen him eat a plastic pie.
Sonja: But in normal house you don’t have 40 tables all the same.

Lynn turns up with one of her friends from church, pretending to be Bono:

Alan: The very fact that you’re questioning my – my – my… my God.
Lynn: Hello Alan, good news.
Alan: You got my text then?
‘Bono’: Hello Alan.
Alan: Hello, Bono, have a seat. Hows The Edge?
‘Bono’: The Edge is fine.
Lynn: How’s Adam Clayton?
‘Bono’: Adam Clayton is fine.
Alan: Hows, urm, the drummer?
‘Bono’: The drummer is fine.
Alan: When did you last see the gang?
‘Bono’: I saw them last Thursday at a pop concert.
Alan: Who were playing?
‘Bono’: We were.
Alan: I didn’t see that advertised, you should sack your PR people.
‘Bono’: We have.
Alan: Good.
Sonja: How long you live in house?
‘Bono’: Since the 80’s. Blicklington Hall was built by Sir Henry Hobart. The Jacobean house is built on the site of a late medieval predecessor.
Sonja: He is not Bono, he is rubbish.
Alan: He is isn’t he. Lynn, are those your mother’s cataract glasses?
Lynn: Yes they are.
Alan: What’s your name?
‘Bono’: Andrew.
Alan: Andrew, who is, I’m guessing, a friend of Lynn’s from the Baptist church?
Andrew: Yes that’s right.
Alan: What do I owe you for your trouble Andrew?
Andrew: Just a contribution for the church.
Alan: A fiver?
Lynn: 30?
Alan: 30?!
Andrew: That’s very generous.
Alan: I’ve been ambushed! There you go. Help yourself to a scone. You’re probably sick of canteen food from being on tour… I forgot, you’re not Bono.

Alan is back at the static home with Sonja:

Alan: Yeah, I’ve changed my mind about Excalibur Cottage. I think I’ll just call it ‘Ye house’. I’ve killed a bear! Who is he?
Sonja: He’s a second-hand bargain beefeater bear.
Alan: Sonja, beefeaters do no live in caravans! They live in the Tower of London and they are restaurants.
Sonja: He is brilliant present!
Alan: It’s not an appropriate gift for a man approaching 50! It’s too big! How did you get it here?
Sonja: On the bus.
Alan: You took that on the bus? Sonja anyone who knows us might have thought it was me inside there. Me wearing a bear costume. They’d think I’d lost it again.
Sonja: It’s very nice.
Alan: Look I’m sorry, I’m sorry. When I’ve calmed down I’ll kiss him better where I stabbed him. Just, next to his thorax, he’ll be fine. I’ll make it up to you. Tomorrow is your day. You can do whatever you want, anything you like.
Sonja: I want to go to London.
Alan: That’s fine.