Season 2, Episode 1 – The Talented Mr Alan

Alan is in the studio, presenting Norfolk Nights:

Woman:  Well I enjoyed the Hobbit more than “Riverdance”. And I think that lots of boys on an island killing a fat boy is not so enjoyable as Gandalf, with a long white beard.
Alan: Okay, if you’ve just joined us, we’re talking about who is the best lord. “Lord of the Rings”, “of the Dance” or “of the Flies”. That’s tonight’s “hot topic”.
Okay the votes are closed and clearly “the Rings” and “the Flies” have been roundly trounced by the quick feet of blouse-wearing tycoon Michael Flatley. “Flatley, my dear, I don’t Riverdance… Give a damn.”

It’s 11pm. Time for ‘Alan’s Love Asylum’. It’s basically sex music.
Alan: That was the Corrs – three little birds I think we’d all like to … prey upon, and steal their eggs. I’m off now, time to leave you in the very capable hands of Dave Clifton, who’s going to be with you till 4am with his ‘Nightclub’. What have you got lined up for us Dave?
Dave: Actually its ladies’ night tonight, special night.
Alan: Ooh, maybe a wet t-shirt competition?
Dave: Ooh you never know, could be.
Alan: How does that work on radio?
Dave: You’ve got to use your imagination Alan actually; I tell you what there’s rather a lot of ladies in here tonight. Steady, girls, steady. Ooh, I’m all wet!
Alan: I can hear ‘em, but I can’t see ‘em.
Dave: Yup, that’s because you’re not on…
Alan: I’m off for a mushroom slice at the BP garage
Dave: Oh, get me one chum!

Alan is visiting Michael, who now works in a BP garage:

Alan: Two Flavia frothy cappuccinos, coming right up!
Michael: Ahh, you’re a gentleman.
Alan: Oh look, there’s that idiot in the black Hillman Imp. Is he going to get petrol? No. He’s just using the forecourt to turn round. He thinks he’s Rod Stewart!
Michael: Hey, your road safety video’s doing well.
Alan: What, ‘Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video’?
Michael: Aye, we’ve sold three. Better than yer book like.
Alan: Yeah, well unfortunately Michael, we live in a world where people would much rather watch clips of idiots driving cars like maniacs into berks… than a book which has been described as, and I quote ‘lovely stuff’. Not my words, Michael, the words of Shakin’ Stevens.
Michael: You could always reduce the price, like.
Alan: What, again? Mike you’re not pushing them hard enough. Pretend I’m a customer and try and sell me the book. Hello.
Michael: What pump number?
Alan: Um… three. No, no, four. It doesn’t matter, does it?
Michael: No, no.
Alan: Four. No, three, it’s got the paper hand towels, I like three, yeah.
Michael: Would you also like this book?
Alan: What’s it about?
Michael: It’s about this local fella what used to be on television right, but, he wasn’t very good, so now he’s not. He went right down right, and hit rock bottom man, and now he’s on his way back up right, but I mean he’ll never get back to where he was, ‘cause them days is over like, but he’s coming back a bit.
Alan: Well I don’t want to read that, that sounds depressing.
Michael: You just want the petrol then?
Alan: Michael your sales technique is awful. And you’re low on Bodyline Brushable Joint Sealer.
Michael: Oh aye, we are. Captain Partridge, would you look after the fort while I go on a resupply mission?
Alan: You work in a petrol station Michael, it’s not the Gulf War. Which, ironically, it like a large petrol station.

Alan takes over behind the sales counter while Michael goes to the stock room:

Alan: Sorry, I’m not Enya.
Man: Pump number three.
Alan: Good pump. ‘F Raphael’. That’s funny, I used to have a teacher at school called Frank Raphael. Sweaty Raphael we used to call him. Great big sweating stains under his armpits. I’ve just realised it’s you. How the devil are you?
Raphael: Alan Partridge.
Alan: The very same. So what are you up to now?
Raphael: I’m still at the old school, but, well I’m the headmaster now.
Alan: Good call.
Raphael: I remember you. Didn’t you used to be on the television?
Alan: Yeah, I got out of that. Unpleasant people. Bitter Bastards.
Raphael: Yes, in education authorities you find quite a few of those as well.
Alan: Yes, I think every Profession has its… shits. Sorry about the bad language… actually, I don’t have to apologise anymore do I? Big balls! Fanny hair.
Raphael: And a bag of Minstrels.
Alan: Ooh! Yeah, we all sweat don’t we? I mean, I used to sweat like a zoo. And I do mean the smell as well, ‘cause although you sweated, you didn’t smell. That was another teacher, that was Kacky Raphael. That’s you as well. Shoot me in the head with a massive gun! I remember you once caned me for having a chalk penis drawn on the back of my blazer.
Raphael: Well, that was a long time ago Alan.
Alan: Well that’s what Nazi war criminals say.
Raphael: Funny, I bumped into another old boy recently, Tony Spillane. He came and gave a talk to our sixth formers.
Alan: Hm. You realise that there was no way I could have drawn a chalk penis on my back. Ask yourself two questions, how and why?
Raphael: Well, urm, lovely to see you again Alan.
Alan: I could give a talk to the pupils.
Raphael: Well if we need someone to talk to the boys and girls about working in a petrol station, I’ll be onto you.
Alan: Do you think I work in a petrol station?
Raphael: Well, I just paid you for petrol and a packet of Minstrels.
Alan: No, this is the man that runs the place. Well, he doesn’t run it, he’s the work Geordie. I’m not at his level. He’s always been at this level.
Michael: Aye, ‘cause when I was in the army, I…
Alan: Whatever. I’m doing much better than him. I left the BBC, formed a production company. That went into liquidation, voluntarily. Then I was out of work for two years, I was clinically fed up, boo-hoo…
Raphael: Why do I need to know all this?
Alan: Because I’ve bounced back. People bounce back. Dennis Hopper, Rolf Harris… there are others.
Raphael: Can I get to my car?
Alan: It’s not going to drive off by itself. It’s not Herbie. The point is, I now have the third best slot on Radio Norwich, I have a military-based quiz show on cable television called “Skirmish”, and I’ve got a girlfriend. And I think your pupils are gonna want to know about that.
Raphael: Absolutely, I’ll be in touch.
Alan: If we set it up now, then Michael can press the button to let you go.
Michael: Would you like this book in a bag?
Alan: Not now Michael.
Raphael: Alright then, why don’t you come and give a talk on Wednesday evening?
Alan: Michael, release the headmaster.

Alan is back home and discusses his day ahead with Lynn:

Alan: Hello Lynn, would you like a coffee? Coffee Machines are the future, Lynn. Kettles are sad. Okay Lynn, what do you think of the polo neck? Balls out of the bath on this one.
Lynn: I think it’s rather snazzy.
Alan: I think your hair’s snazzy. Is that your mother’s money coming through?
Lynn: Yes.
Alan: All part of the bereavement dividend.
Lynn: I had to change her sheets everyday for ten years.
Alan: Yeah, I don’t know how you managed it. I mean, she was a bit of a heffalump, God rest her soul. She was a big woman. I’m tempted to say she was big-hearted, but that would be bullshit. Okay Lynn, make for the banquette. Thanks for changing the gas bottle. I heard you clinking. Okay, what have you got for me? Shoot from your hip – your new hip.
Lynn: You’ve got a 1 o’clock meeting with Siobhan from Meteor Productions to talk about “Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video 2”. Do you need me to be there?
Alan: I don’t need you anywhere. I’d like you to be there. Your problem with Meteor Productions Lynn, is that you don’t like them because they make wet t-shirt videos. It’s not hardcore super sex. If you had taken the trouble to watch “Boob Olympics”’, as I have, then you’ve realise there is a competitive element.
Lynn: If it makes you happy.
Alan: Lynn, the money that pays for the black granite work surfaces in the kitchen, the brass dimmer switches, your eight grand a year… all comes from Meteor. Who happen to produce “Boob Olympics”, “The Eurovision Thong Contest”, and “Wet Christmas”.

Alan goes and checks on the builders in his new house:

Alan: Alright guys, see the match?
Carl: Which once?
Alan: Dunno.
Builder: How’s it going Mr. Partridge?
Alan: yeah, cool, cool.
Builder: You see what I done in the toilet?
Alan: How do you mean?
Builder: Well I retiled it.
Alan: Oh right..
Carl: I tell you what mate, we’ve got something for you… Stick this on. [hands him a hard hat with ‘BOSS’ written on the front]
Alan: Although it is amusing, there is a serious reason why I’m wearing this Lynn. Insurance. And no offence Lynn-
Lynn: Oh none taken.
Alan: You don’t know what I’m going to say yet. Wait till I’ve said what I’m going to say before you decide not to take offence. You see, no offence Lynn, but your life is technically not worth insuring.
Builder: Can we talk about the office area?
Alan: Okay, alright, yeah, ‘cause I was gonna say that I’d like it to double as a chill-out room.
Builder: I didn’t think you were a raver.
Alan: I’m not a raver, I’m straight. I’ve got a girlfriend. She’s only 33. Cashback. Between you and me, there are things I do with Sonja that I would never have done with my ex-wife Carol. Occasionally, I dost venture south. And when I go south, I gotta say, it’s like a breath of fresh air. But two years ago I was a mess. I put on weight, I had breasts
Carl: I bet they were the only ones you copped hold of weren’t they as well!
Alan:  They were actually, yeah, I was repellent to women for two years. Running along jogging with my breasts with tassels. You can make them go that way, you can make them go that way, but you can’t make them go that way. Imagine dreaming about that and waking up screaming, ‘cause that’s what happened.

Sonja: Hi Alan, hello Lynn, hello the builders.
Alan:  Watch, see, she’s not stopping me.
Sonja: Brilliant story to tell. Last day I was in the coffee shop where I work, and then a man came in and said he wanted coffee. He was smelly man. Tomek did not like him. Tomek said we didn’t have any coffee. And then the man just went!
Lynn: I don’t quite understand the joke.
Alan: Drop it, Lynn.
Builder: So it’s a coffee shop, but one man says to another man, “you can’t have a coffee”
Alan: That is the story, believe me.
Builder: Yeah but it don’t make sense, does it? ‘Cause I mean you got a man coming in for a coffee..
Alan: Help me out, mate.
Builder: Very funny story.
Alan: Yes, it is a funny story. I think those stories are kinda best in the caravan.
Sonja: I have a question for builder.
Alan: Why don’t we go in there now? Grab her, Lynn.
Alan: Guess which one of you two ladies I’m going to make love with now.
Lynn: I’ll just on up to the club and meet that video woman.
Alan: See you later. Come on Sonja, let’s be appalling. Oh, Lynn, I reckon 40, 45 minutes, how long?
Lynn: About that.
Alan: Actually better make it an hour. I want to have a shower before and ideally, afterwards.
Alan is at Chorister to discuss relasing a new video with Siobhan from Meteor:
Alan: Hi! [Gives Siobhan a kiss, Lynn stands up for a kiss] Stay down! Sorry I’m late, had to have a shower. Got a bit clammy. Yeaaah.
Siobhan: So, how’ve you been Alan?
Alan: Ruddy bloody good, actually.
Lynn: Yes, his panic attacks have all but stopped!
Alan: Thanks Lynn.
Boy: Mum, I want my GameBoy.
Alan to a woman with her child: Hello. Excuse me, what’s his name?
Mother: It’s Todd.
Alan: What, Todd? Seriously? Hello Todd. Snazzy jeans you’ve got on there.
Todd: Thank you.
Alan: You’re welcome.
Alan to waiter: Correct me if I’m wrong, there is a zero tolerance policy on denim in the bar.
Waiter: Yes.
Alan to waiter: I think there’s a chap over there wearing jeans. Chap of bout six.
Alan to Siobhan: They’re lovely at that age, aren’t they?
Alan to Woman: Did they get you on the old jeans rule? Nazis! But with excellent facilities… as had the Nazis.
Siobhan: Ok, shall we get started?
Alan: Yes, I have a thought. Now because the last video was called “Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video”, and this video will feature helicopters pursuing these bad prats across fields, I thought perhaps a better title would be “Scum On The Run”.
Siobhan: You all right Lynn?
Alan: Lynn doesn’t like the old watersports.
Siobhan: We don’t do that.
Alan: The wet t-shirt things.
Siobhan: Well that’s not watersports, Alan.
Alan: Well, whats watersports?
Siobhan: You don’t know?
Alan: No I don’t.
Siobhan: You mean you don’t know what watersports are?
Alan: I believe we’ve established that. Tell me what you mean by ‘watersports’.
Siobhan: Well, it’s when people relieve themselves on each other.
Alan: Did you know that there are no Dutch elms left in Britain? Completely wiped out. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.
Lynn: Perhaps those people were caught short.
Alan: They do it on purpose Lynn! Well that’s the small talk over with. Let’s go with the thorny issue of the fee.
Siobhan: No, there’s no negotiation about the fee.
Alan: Siobhan, when you hire me, you don’t just get some guy who used to be on TV presenting a cheap video. You do get that, but you also get my voice. Let me remind you… “Britain has some of the safest roads in Europe, but this isn’t Britain. This is the Autobahn.” I bring an element of humour.
Siobhan: Alan, I’m sorry I just can’t move on the fee. Now you know we love your work.
Alan: I know, and I love your videos of women in bikinis being hosed down in car parks.
Siobhan: Well it’s a little bit more tasteful than that Alan.
Alan: It’s called ‘Titsnade Zoo’.
Siobhan: Alan, I am not negotiating.
Alan: You may not be but I am.
Siobhan: Well then you’ll be negotiating on your own.
Alan: So be it.
Siobhan: That doesn’t work. Lovely to see you, Lynn.
Alan: I don’t know why you don’t just go the whole hog and have me chased down the street by a helicopter in wet underpants? I mean me, not the helicopter. Although I wouldn’t put that past you, some sicko would probably buy that! A big helicopter in giant underpants! Or a plane in a giant bra having a slash on an airport.

Alan: Why did you say I had panic attacks? You made it sound like I had a breakdown.
Lynn: You did. You drove up to Dundee in bare feet.
Alan: Lynn! I know what really happened. You make me sound mad now. Say I didn’t have a breakdown.
Lynn: You didn’t have a breakdown.
Alan: I know.

Alan and Lynn are in Alan’s car:

Alan: Okay, lets go and get a couple of Soleros, I need to get my head together.
Lynn: There goes Siobhan.
Alan: I’m going to box her in at the squash court and drop my price! [Starts to drive off but crashes]  I’m alright, your airbag went off, why didn’t mine Lynn?
Lynn: I can’t move my head! It’s just not going! Can you see, I’m trying-
Alan:  Calm down Lynn!
Lynn: It’s just not moving, I need you to understand!
Alan: Calm Down! Air! Air! Air! Calm down Lynn! You’re suffering from minor women’s whiplash. It’s normal. Your air bag’s deployed. Mine hasn’t.
Lynn: Well you haven’t got whiplash.
Alan: I know. I know I haven’t got whiplash because my head was in contact with the headrest in the correct way, you were leaning forwards with your handbag like that, crashing like a mouse.
Siobhan: Are you all right?
Lynn: I’ve just got minor whiplash.
Alan: It was me that told her that.
Siobhan: You need to take her to a hospital Alan.
Alan: I know I know, in fact this has all put things in perspective, so that I will now do the video for the same amount as last time to help Lynn.
Siobhan: Alan I think you should be taking her to hospital and we’ll chat about that later.
Alan: By the way, this was probably caught on CCTV camera. And I will throw the footage in gratis. I know it’s only a minor collision, but you can start off with a small collision like this, then build to a big one, with like a huge lorry sliding along on it’s back for ages, y’know I’ll take my top off… I’m babbling.

Alan to Lynn: It’s weird isn’t it, this air bag. All that powder on your face, you look like a clown. Don’t smile, you’ve broken your neck!

Alan is at the school to have a talk with the kids:

Raphael: If there’s anything you need, just let me know Alan. Or you, Mrs Partridge.
Alan: She’s not my wife! I hate it when that happens. Lynn, could you pop to the shops and get me… two packets of Toffos?
Phil: I didn’t know you were in the building. Phil Wiley. We were at school together.
Alan: Yes, you were in my class.
Phil: Alison Partridge!
Alan: No, Alan.
Phil: No, Alison’s what we used to call you.
Alan: I didn’t know that. So what are you going hanging round a school? Bit weird isn’t it?
Phil: I’m one of the big boys now, Alan.
Alan: What, a prefect?
Phil: No, I teach here.
Alan: Oh right, I see.
Phil: I’ve just remembered. Remember the day you caught me in that darkroom snogging that lab assistant, eh? What on Earth were you doing there?
Alan: Developing photographs, ‘cause that’s what it was for.
Phil: It was the day you got caned, remember that?
Alan: Yeah, I remember, I got a chalk penis drawn on my back by some shit. I’d love to get my hands on him.
Phil: That was me.
Alan: I know it was. But I really admire you teachers. You’re very heroic to do what you do for such rubbish money. Tell me, exactly how much do you teachers earn?
Phil: You’d be surprised. I’m earning more than you think Alan, I’m head of modern languages. Ich weiss nicht was soll es bedeuten!
Alan: Yeah. I’ve got a girlfriend.
Phil: I’ve got a wife.
Alan: Is she older than you or younger than you?
Phil: Well if you must know Alan, she’s older than me. She’s 52.
Alan: My girlfriend’s 33. I’m 47. She’s 14 years younger than me. Back of the net!
Phil: Well if I can just put you in the room and get the kids.
Alan: Don’t draw a cock!
Alan: Hi kids, it’s great to be back in my fine old school. I nearly sent my son Fernando here, but I came into some money, and was able to educate him privately. You can’t muck about when it comes to your own kids. Let me tell you a bit about myself. I present a military-based quiz show on a daytime digital channel called UK Conquest. It’s got 8,000 viewers. To put that in perspective, it’s eleven times the population of Hemsby. Basically, terrestrial TV is a dead duck, and who watches a dead duck? Not even its mother. She just flies off depressed. I want to show you an example now of the kind of sell through video that I make. By the way there are some strobe effects in this, so please, any epileptics get out now. Because statistically, one of you is, and two of you are gay. By the way guys, if you are gay, please remember… rubber up. At your age it’s still illegal. You don’t want to end up in prison. Because some of those guys don’t care how old you are, or if you’re gay. This was filmed two years ago, and I have let myself go a little.
Alan: Crash! Bang! Wallop! What a video! Hi, I’m Alan Partridge, and I drive a car, but not like this.
Alan: Let’s have a look at what this idiot did… in America.
Alan: Thankfully, that man was plastic. You can stop giggling, or I’ll take down your particulars. But what if he hadn’t been… plastic?
Raphael: I’d like to thank Alan for a very interesting talk. Are there any questions.
Alan: You know this guy, he caned me for drawing a chalk penis on my back, which I couldn’t possibly do.
Raphael: We’ll be having coffee next door now Alan.
Alan: I’ll show you, it’s impossible, for me to draw, watch. See?
Phil: But you’ve more or less managed it Alan.
Alan: The one did had more detail. There were hairs at the base, and a dotted line emanating from the crown. I’ll tell you something about this guy, he got the lab assistant pregnant. He never sees the kid. Back of the net.

Raphael: That was an appalling thing to say, you’ve placed me in a rather invidious position.
Alan: Don’t know that word. Carry on.
Raphael: You leave this school again and we’re left with the detritus.
Alan: Knock it off with the fancy words mate. Say it like it is, it went tits up. Y’know, you speak like you’re from the 19^th century. And you sweat.
Raphael: I’d like to see you sweat over your work like I do over mine.
Alan: I don’t, because I use Lynx Africa. Gonna cane me?
Raphael: No, but I might throw a chair at you.
Alan: It’s still corporal punishment. See you in Strasbourg.

Alan has popped in to see Michael at the garage before he does his show:

Alan: On tonight’s show we’re talking about coffee.
Michael: Oh, really?
Alan: Yeah, apparently they’re opening a Starbucks on Beachy Head.
Michael: Oooh, nice, y’know, have a cup of coffee, admire the view, put a spring in your step.
Alan: A spring in your step’s the last thing you need on a cliff top. It’s a suicide hot spot.
Michael: What, Starbucks?
Alan: How are you going to kill yourself in Starbucks?
Michael: Shotgun in your mouth?
Lynn: Alan, there’s that teacher chap.
Alan: Michael, if he hits me, will you hit him first?
Michael: No, he’s a customer. I cannot hit customers. I’ve been told. I’ll go and get some stock.
Alan: Yeah, chicken stock.
Phil: Hello Alan.
Alan: Lynn, hand me an apple pie. And remove yourself from the theatre of conflict.
Lynn: What do you mean?
Alan: Go and stand by the yakults. The temperature inside this apple turnover is 1,000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten Bramley apple is going to squirt out. Could go your way, could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down.
Phil: Alan, I’ve just come to make peace.
Alan: What, you’re not going to kick my head in?
Phil: No, I’m not. I just think we should shake hands y’know.
Alan: You’ve not go one of those…
Phil: Electric buzzer? No I haven’t.
Alan: Ahh! You’re all right you!
Alan: Arrgh! Jesus! How long did you put this in for Lynn?
Lynn: Eight minutes.
Alan: It’s hotter than the sun!
Phil: Ok, Alan, I’m gonna go now, no hard feelings alright?
Alan: Yeah, ok. Help yourself to a honeycomb Yorkie for the glovebox.
Phil: Yeah? Alright, I will. Take care, ok.
Alan: Lynn, that is not a penis.
Lynn: It’s the best I could do.
Alan: It tapers at the end. It looks like a mouse’s head.
Michael: Hey look, Mr Partridge. That bloke’s just told him.
Phil: Open the door! Open it!
Alan: According to Michael there are enough supplies in here to last three weeks. Want a Mars bar? Swivel. If you came in here for a Twix, I’d stick one in your eye, one in your ear and one up your bum. But I’d have to break into another packet and I’m not prepared to do that. I’d have to use a four-fingered one and save one for myself at the end. Having washed my hands. Having said that, I’ve just remembered that I’ve got a radio show to do, so erm, let’s make friends and then I can be on my way, please. If you let me go, I will give you £200 in cash, or a check for £230. I imagine that’s a month’s wages for someone like you. Hello?